Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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