I didn't shave. On purpose
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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