my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
