I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
