my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You're a waste of cheezeits
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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