I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
