Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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