So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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