i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
