I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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