It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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