I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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