Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
