literally had 100 drinks last night.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
