spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
