I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
