i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
