You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
