This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
