I love black thongs
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
