if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
