did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
