Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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