This is not my ceiling
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize