wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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