I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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