pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
