I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
