Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
