Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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