If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
