my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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