cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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