hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
