My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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