dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
