my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
