They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
