I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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