hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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