Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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