So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
