You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
