i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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