Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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