So drunk its hurt
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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