hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
