After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's never too late to be topless.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
