Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
