So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
