I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
