You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
