this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
