Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
