mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
