u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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