So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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