I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He passed out mid-signature
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
