he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
