ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
