I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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