Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
