it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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