i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
