New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
